


The Official Humpus Rumpus

by deletable_bird



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Gender/Sexuality, Alien Sex, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Bulges, Bulges and Nooks, Cowgirl Position, Cunnilingus, Doggy Style, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Face-Sitting, Fingerfucking, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Fucking, Gratuitous Smut, Humor, Humorous Ending, Laughter During Sex, Multi, Nooks, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Riding, Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Shameless Smut, Smut, Threesome, Threesome - F/F/M, Troll Anatomy, Vaginal Fingering, Wow, Xeno, Xenophilia, that's a tag? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 09:18:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4619958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deletable_bird/pseuds/deletable_bird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cast: Jade Harley as Mistress Green Apple, Dave Strider as Mister Strawberry Surprise, and the one and only Terezi Pyrope as the High Legislacerator (also known as That One Who Can't Control Where Her Alien Splooge Goes). Includes: Mild Roleplay And Humorous Three-Way Fucking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Official Humpus Rumpus

**Author's Note:**

> this little *cough* _creation_ *cough* was vaguely inspired by [roachpatrol](http://archiveofourown.org/users/roachpatrol/pseuds/roachpatrol) and [Asuka Kureru](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru) and [saffronHeliotrope](http://archiveofourown.org/users/saffronHeliotrope/pseuds/saffronHeliotrope) and [mercurialMalcontent](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mercurialMalcontent/pseuds/mercurialMalcontent) and also a few other people who’ve been swallowed by this fandom but then it grew into something pretty much completely different. jsyk.

Despite the fact that Dave is a dork, and also a nerd, and quite possibly an extra ten percent of dweeb, you can’t deny he’s an amazing kisser.

You tell him this, in a single eloquent hum. He grins against your mouth.

“And you said I was the kind of person who’d be bad at this shit. Eat your words, Harley, I am the absolute complete King Of Sucking Face. It is me.”

Turns out it’s really hard to kiss someone when you’re both smiling. You put your hands on his face, shift on the couch so you’re facing him, and, oh, hell yes that’s a better angle.

“Objection!”

You pull away. “Mmph,” says Dave, petulantly, his fingers curling around the back of your neck. You glance over, grin.

“Come to join the party?”

“You moldy cantaloupes started without me,” pouts Terezi, stepping towards you with a swagger. The light glints off the head of her dragoncane as she stops, looming as best she can.

“That’s because you’re never any fun, Teez,” Dave pouts, his hand traveling downstream until it docks squarely in Left Buttcheek-Ville, hello. Terezi grins her hyena grin.

“Objection number two, coolkid.” She turns, flaunts a pointy hand-on-the-hip at the both of you, and crams herself in the middle of your previously undisturbed makeout session. “I am all the fun, motion undenied and passed. You’re outvoted.”

“And you’re intruding on our nice private humping session,” Dave tells her. You prod her directly in the nose and she bats you away absentmindedly.

“I declare our Humpus Rumpus now fully in session, with a new participant to boot,” she says, smirking up at him. He scoffs and kisses her. You settle back a little, get ready to enjoy the show. It’s never a bad thing to watch these two having an Official Humpus Rumpus.

This time they only last about two minutes without you before the one with the horns rolls over, reaching two arms out to you like a wriggler who wants to be picked up. You grin, leaning closer.

“I knew you two couldn’t manage without me!”

“Objection,” Terezi tries to say, but you kiss her instead and she melts into your mouth. It’s a funny angle, but the way her claws are tickling under your chin is, _oh_ , more than enjoyable.

She breaks away to pap you right between where your horns would be. “Mister Strawberry Surprise and I could manage just fine without you.”

“Yeah, right—”

“It’s just,” she punctuates with a retaliatory prod to your nose, “aforementioned coolkid needs constant reminders that he doesn’t know _everything_ about making out.”

“Not just making out,” you smirk, looking at him over the glinty edge of Terezi’s glasses. His shades are pushed up in his hair and his face is bright red. Dork.

“Reminders, Mistress Green Apple!”

Mmh. You’ll never get tired of kissing Terezi, with her multitude of teeth to get all nibbly with and that deliciously long tongue.

“Reminders indeed,” purrs Dave, and you shiver at the raspy voice he can’t help but talk in whenever you and the High Legislacerator get it on. You pull away from the Dragon Mistress and pull the coolkid in for a long hot kiss. He makes a pathetic noise into your mouth.

“Voting session now instigated!” Terezi breaks in, prodding her pokey claws against your chin. “All in favor of this Humpus Bumpus Rumpus being relocated to more secluded whereabouts say Aye—”

You manage an _Aye_ but Dave just kind of whimpers something vaguely resembling assent into your mouth. You grin against him, again. You absolutely _love_ reducing him to this shaky incoherent mess. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s hard. Today, it took almost no effort.

(He does it too, in the morning when you wake to a shower-wet body sliding under the sheets beside you, hand over your mouth and mouth on your skin. Fair’s fair.)

Terezi bounces to her feet with a beaming grin on her face. “Let us not tarry then, fine sir and gentle lady!”

You reach out your hands to her, smiling all coy and flirty, and she pulls you to your feet and kisses your hand, lightly, courteously, before slathering a long wet lick across your palm.

You shriek and fall dramatically backwards so Dave, who’s just now on his feet, has to catch you. He hoists you into a bridal carry (smooth motherfucker) and lifts you into a kiss. You lace your hands around his neck and melt against him. You have a weakness for being carried, shh.

He has to break away to walk, though, and you giggle the entire way to the bedroom.

He dumps you unceremoniously on your mattress (honestly, you’re the only person on this entire planet who sleeps on appropriately king-sized four-posters) and immediately falls on you. You hike your legs up and around his hips, wriggling against him. His hands slide up your stomach, rucking up your shirt until he can pull it over your head, and once you’re free you bite the side of his neck, hard enough to make him moan but not hard enough to really hurt. God knows you’ve had plenty of time to perfect the amount of pressure to apply, hehe. 

He hisses into your hair, and Terezi takes a flying leap and lands on his back. You’re utterly squashed and laughing fit to burst. You love these fuckers so much.

A pointy alien face, now missing one pair of glasses, scrunches over Dave’s shoulder and kisses you clumsily on the forehead. You reach around, stretch, but you manage to grab a healthy handful of butt. Dave yelps and Terezi cackles.

The cacophony dies down and “High Legislacerator,” you say, “I have a proposition.”

“Oh?” Someone’s hand is sneaking suspiciously upward and boob-ward. You have a hankering it’s not the troll.

“All in favor of this fine hunk of coolkid here getting these inconvenient barriers called _clothing_ out of the way,” you start, and Terezi finishes with a resounding “Aye!”

Dave smirks at you. “That eager to get an eyeful, huh?”

Terezi paps him on the cheek. “Shush and strip, sweetie!”

He squirms out into the open and whips his shirt off with an unnecessary flourish. You scoot over so you can press yourself against Terezi and watch, your tongue trapped between your teeth. Her claws squirm between your back and the mattress, and go to work on your bra clasp. Clever troll. You retaliate by thumbing open her jeans, your eyes still fixed on Dave.

He’s got acres of perfect pale skin and you devour it with your eyes, one hand tracing a lazy circle on Terezi’s stomach. You can feel her breath fluttering under your fingertips, and it’s sending jolts up and down your spine.

Dave’s already half-hard once he stands, naked to the last stitch, one hand on his hip and the other behind his head. Doofus. You grin, squirm out of your pants and panties, and drop onto all fours, crawling forward.

You get your hands on his hips and pull, sharp. He lurches into you, and you giggle against the lean muscle of his stomach. His breath has a different pattern than Terezi’s, undulating against your cheek. You love listening to people’s bodies, love cataloguing everything about them but their words.

“Get down here, coolkid,” you tell him, and wrap a hand around his dick.

He makes a strangled noise and Terezi topples him so she can kiss Dave and you can kiss Dave Junior simultaneously. The little noises he’s making against Terezi’s mouth as he wrestles her out of her clothes are priceless.

It takes barely a minute to get him fully hard and once he is you jerk him, once, twice. He breaks away from Terezi to pant, his chest heaving. You kiss just below his belly button and grin against his skin.

“M _mmm_ mmistress Green Apple,” comes the rasp of one deliciously turned-on troll, and you pull her down so you can kiss her around Dave’s prick. This is one of your favorite moves.

Despite the awkward angle, Terezi’s impossibly long tongue and Dave’s little gasps and very uncool, very adorable squeaks have you panting in no time. You pull away and make a brave attempt at a smile in Terezi’s direction, working your jaw.

“So, High Legislacerator,” you say, fingernails outlining liquid patterns on outstretched pale skin, “which of us do you think should sit on Mister Strider’s face?”

Dave lets out a literal whimper and Terezi returns the grin she can’t see. “I propose a human-on-human face-sitting session to be launched immediately!”

“Agreed,” you respond, saluting, and turn to kiss Dave once before pushing yourself up to swing a leg over his chest. His hands find the curve of your ass, and you scoot forward, breath fluttering in anticipation of the first touch of his tongue.

Behind you, the sound of blankets shifting and Terezi breathing tell you she’s in position. You reach back, and feel her fingers—smoother than yours, with the subtly altered bone structure that screams _alien_ and turns you on beyond measure—wind clumsily in with your own phalanges.

Then Dave’s tongue presses soft- _hot_ to your cunt and you gasp, tilting forward to steady yourself against the bed and Terezi’s grip.

Dave jerks under you, stiffening, his tongue trembling, and you know Terezi just sank onto his dick. You look down and meet his eyes, quivering, as he laps his tongue against you. 

Behind you, little squeaks and the slide of skin against skin tells you Miss Horny Wondergirl back there has started moving. Slowly at first, you can tell, but as she speeds up you can feel Dave panting against you, working his jaw for all he’s got, and then his tongue is inside you, and you come with a gasp and a choked moan.

When your vision clears he, _fuck_ , hasn’t let up, and you pant and mewl and let your hair fall all over your face as Terezi moves him and he moves against you. Your breath is flooding hot in and out of your lungs, and you can feel Orgasm 2.0 coming up quick. (Get it? You are the punmaster. It is you.)

You coast along the edge for a while, just enjoying the view, until Dave grabs your waist with all he’s got and hikes you even closer, shoving his tongue up your pussy and somehow getting a thumb in to rub at your clit, and you’re gone.

You come back to lucidity to find yourself being maneuvered off of Dave’s face until you’re on all fours, still in half a stupor. You protest weakly, but there’s no fire behind it. Terezi snakes up next to you, pressing kisses to your shoulder, neck, face, and Dave drapes himself over your back.

“You ready, babe?” he husks in your ear and you _mmmh_ back, reaching up to bury your fingers in the hair at the back of his head, a smile in your throat but not on your face.

“Excellent!” Terezi proclaims, sitting herself right down in front of you. Her bulge is out to play, slowly moving against the inside of her thigh. You dip yourself down, your mouth hovering inches above the base of her teal tentadong and your hips lifted, tilted up towards Dave. You can hear the crinkle of a condom wrapper somewhere behind and above you, and lazy anticipation coils hot and slow, deep in your stomach.

Two hands, hot and desperate but still gentle, find your hips and pull you back, and there’s the blunt head of his prick pressing slick against you, hello, yes please do come in it’s oh so hospitable here.

He slides in and bottoms out in one thrust, fuck you’re so relaxed and open it’s incredible. His hands splay out big over your lower back, Terezi’s weaving through your hair, and you’re in utter bliss.

It takes two long, slow, sliding thrusts for you to remember that there’s still someone else here and you lift your head, smirking up at Terezi through your mess of hair and pressing a wet kiss to her bulge.

There’s a grin, oh yes. You like that grin, wide and full of fangs and straight down at you as if she can see you. Her uncanny alienness is perfect all the way through.

You manage to get a hand up and slide two fingers slow inside her; the jolt that runs through her makes you smirk. She’s so _different_ , so nonhuman, the flesh of her nook smooth and taut and inverting neat and undisrupted by anything even vaguely humanoid. She doesn’t have anything like a clit and her slick skin is flushed bright, bright teal, fading paler under her velvet thighs the farther from her nook it gets.

You slide the tip of her bulge past your lips and hum around it, long and low, as Dave presses kisses up and down your back, the pads of his fingers tracing the outline of your shoulderblades. You wrap your fingers around the ribbed root of Terezi’s bulge. You can smell her, tense bright copper blood-scent and rich smooth white-chocolate musk. The tip of her bulge fills the inside of your cheeks, and her nook clenches around your fingers.

Dave is speeding up, pounding in and out of you with harsh breaths. You push back against him and he smacks your ass with the same perfected pressure that you bit him with, fierce not-quite-pain flaring up your spine. You moan around a mouthful of alien girldick, trembling.

“Jade,” he hums against your skin, desire playing a symphony on his vocal cords.

“ _Jade_ ,” Terezi breathes, panting desperation in ripples across her tangled grip on your hair. You can feel both of them getting close (hell, you’re getting close yourself, and you’ve already come twice).

And then Dave slams into you with an ~~embarrassingly~~ adorably high-pitched moan and his fingers clench against you, nails digging into your ribcage to the point of pain, and you can feel him pulsing inside you. Your back arches involuntarily and you gasp, teetering whiskers away from the proverbial brink, until he slides a hand underneath you and, _fuck_ , oh, _yes_.

You can only guess that you must have done _something_ right on your brief vacation from consciousness, because when you slide back into clear view and actual feeling in your limbs (despite the slight, pleasant buzzing in your fingertips) there’s teal jizz splattered across your boobs, decorating all the way across the previously clean slate of your collarbones, up to your chin.

“You,” someone giggles, and you look up just as Terezi bursts into peals of laughter.

“What?” you say, a slightly confused smile starting on its trek across your lips. Dave’s fingers knead at the nape of your neck, sneaking in to grab a healthy handful of your mop.

“You got it in your hair,” he tells you, a laugh barely disguised in his voice. “Teez came all over your face and you got it in your _fucking hair_ ,” and you splutter indignantly and bury your smile in the crook of your elbow.

Dave is pressing kisses to your shoulder, his laughter vibrating against your skin, and Terezi is cackling genially somewhere above you, her fingers twined through your come-spattered hair.

“Are you serious!” you manage through giggles, batting her hands away. “That’s your weird alien spunk you’re trying to give me a scalp massage with, gross!”

“But Jade,” she says coyly, cupping your face with both hands and tilting your mouth up for a kiss, “you look so good in my color.”

“Possessive bitch,” Dave remarks casually. Terezi slaps him without breaking away from you, and your laughter bubbles up and out of you without your permission.

“I think a shower is in order,” you say finally, pulling Dave down to console him about Terezi’s vicious rejection with a long tongue-y kiss. When he pulls away, he has a wonderfully lopsided grin on his face. “I couldn’t agree more.”

Terezi pops into the picture with her jagged ear-to-ear beam and replies, “I think, Miss Harley and Mister Strawberries-and-Cream, you are exactly right.”

Turns out troll jizz is actually really good deep conditioner. Who knew.


End file.
